Lists & leaving

…ok, that’s a lie. My bags aren’t packed & I’m not really ready to go. But I’m getting there. My big duffel bag is mostly packed, aside from a few things that are still drying after I washed them yesterday. Same goes for my backpack. I washed most of the stuff that I want to take on my trip, so I’m waiting until it’s all dry to pack it up. Either way, things are coming to an end. Tonight is my last night in this apartment. My final night in Croix Rousse. It’s not to say I won’t be back, but it still feels like more of a goodbye than a see you later. & I’m really quite rubbish at goodbyes. 

Last night, as I was taking all my photos off my wall, I got to thinking about a lot of things. I love to travel. & I’ve loved both of my séjours in France. They were both completely different, but both completely amazing at the same time. Just when I think I’ve learned all the things that I can about myself, I find out that I’m actually still learning. 

I’m excited to go home. But along with the excitement, there’s a bit of fear. I’m not sure what to expect. I know how it was last time I can home & I’m really hoping that I’ve learned something from that & that this time can be different. But I’m not sure that it’s that simple. Sure, leaving home to go live in a foreign country is hard. Everyone knows that. What people don’t realize, is that coming home is harder. It’s never the same as you left it. & you’re never the same was when you left. & even though I’m telling myself I’m prepared for that, I’m not sure that I really am. I’m not sure that I’m prepared to get back to sitting still, so to speak. I know I’ll keep busy & I have tons of plans & I’m excited for all those plans & seeing my friends & family. But I’m also scared of that feeling you get when you come home after travelling for a long time. I’m not sure that I can exactly explain what I mean. I think it’s just something you understand if you’ve felt it before. It’s not really that I’m worried about that I’m going to be depressed. I know that’s not quite it. But more that I’m worried that I’m going to feel an emptiness. 

I love to travel. People ask me about all the places I’ve been & it takes me ages to list them all off. They say “Tu m’étonnes” because I’ve done so much travelling. In some ways, I feel that I have seen a lot of the world. At the same time, there’s so much I haven’t seen. What are people waiting for? I figure I have my whole life to sit around working & wishing I was off travelling. Now is the time to do it. I’d like to be able to say, if I never leave home again after this I’ll be happy with all of the places I’ve seen & all of the experiences I’ve had. The truth is, as anyone who’s done any significant travelling knows, I’ll never feel that way. I’ll always have this hunger for more. 

So with that said, I’ve been thinking about home a lot. & I made a list a while ago. I like lists…they’re simple & concise (something I am not when it comes to talking about my life). Here’s my list about home; the things that I miss. I’ve been adding to it over my time in France & I’m sure there are about a million things missing from it seeing as I don’t always have my little notebook handy but here it is…a more or less concise description of things that I love: 

• my family & my friends
• working out
• mom’s cooking
• sunday dinners at home
• the kitchen & all it’s lovely appliances, pots, pans, knives..etc
• baby beast (aka my car)
• wing nights
• The Y
• my bed/room
• text messages all the time!
• my giant closet (full of clothes)
• school (& learning)
• privacy (my room)
• space
• the rockies
• sunny days all the time
• towels/socks/pjs fresh from the dryer
• biweekly paychecks
• never having to share my computer
• a desk
• large glasses/mugs
• deodorant (it’s weird here)
• my clothes smelling good (& not of cigarettes)
• working out
• feeling normal sized
• being understood all the time
• finding the right words

I also made a list of food I miss…because we all know how much I love food…

Things I am craving: 

• rice crackers
• beef jerky
• popcorn
• crave cupcakes
• ranch dressing
• floss
• instand oatmeal (alyssa helped with this one) 
• sweet & salty granola bars
• KD (she also helped with this)
• salt & vinegar chips
• BBQ steak
• BBQ anything
• milk (non-UHT style)
• Mom & Dad’s amazing caesar salad
• weekend dinners at home
• chewing gum
• tic tacs 
• the gym
• hot wings with ranch dip (or terihot wings)
• salmon sashimi
• flames roll combo
• sushi, in general
• breakfast bagels
• toasted tomato sandwiches
• frozen burritos
• my taco salad
• nachos
• BLTs
• bacon
• salmon on the BBQ 
• spinach & artichoke dip
• cream cheese
• bagels