You know, I’ve never been the type to stress over age milestones. I can’t deny I’m quite blessed with good genes & easily pass for younger than I am. That said, there’s something different about turning thirty. I never stressed about leaving my teens & my twenty fifth birthday was a non-event. I celebrated each in stride & moved on with my life & goals.
But three – oh; She’s been a different beast.
I didn’t initially feel anything for this birthday. I was relatively calm, telling myself it was just another year. Subconsciously there was a shift though. It had nothing to do with the number, but seemed to have more to do with my internal clock. & honestly it didn’t happen when the calendar switched to July 24, 2015. Things have shifted gradually as the year’s progressed. If you haven’t caught on at this point, I’m talking about the idea of starting a family.
I’m not saying this year has changed my outlook. I still have many pre-parent plans in the making. I’m just saying it’s weird. It’s unexpected & foreign & I’m not sure how to deal with it. My plan is to take things as they come. I guess in a way I’m suppressing some things until I feel more ready. & I’m a planner, so the idea of deviating from my plan is rarely something I find appealing.
As much as I find that’s an odd thing to do, I take comfort in the idea that I suspect I’m not alone here. Life is different now than it was even thirty (hell, twenty) years ago, & for me, that means a lot more planning. Luckily, I’m prone to that sort of thing to begin with.
I’m not sure how to end this post. It’s very personal to me, & something I’ve given a lot of thought to. The idea that I may be labelled high risk by the time I decide to procreate has always bothered me (I still believe that my thirty may be someone’s twenty five), but there’s something to be said for this biological clock idea. Something more than social cues.
I’ve told myself that I’m sure of my current decisions. That I’m fine with the outcome, either way. But am I? Or is my body prompting me to consider other options?
I don’t think there’s a real answer here, but it’s something I wanted to share. Part of me misses this aspect of regular journal days – it forced me to talk about something outside my comfort zone. I’m not looking for someone to change my views on the subject. I simply hope that maybe someone else feels the same way, & I wanted to put this out there. To say it’s ok. To be unsure, to question things, & maybe even share those uncomfortable feelings with others sometimes.
That’s it. That is how I truly feel. Today. (At Thirty).